apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
