The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
