Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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