ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
