you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
