He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
