The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
