Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
