The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
