is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
