I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
And then my night got REAL pukey
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
