just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
