Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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