I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
