Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
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