my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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