I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
a search helicopter?!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My dick has a subreddit
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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