you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
