we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
