You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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