My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
