a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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