cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.