Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It's never too late to be topless.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
