Texts From Last Night

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  (718): View more from New York

  You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.

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  (718): You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants. http://tfl.nu/n5jd
  Replies (11) Good night (2127) Bad night (792)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Why?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never

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  (314): It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot (502): Why? (314): Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never http://tfl.nu/z3v0
  Replies (102) Good night (4438) Bad night (980)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem

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  (443): So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem http://tfl.nu/7afw
  Replies (27) Good night (1375) Bad night (4178)
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  (714): View more from California

  Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.

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  (714): Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover. http://tfl.nu/xecz
  Replies (18) Good night (6579) Bad night (1027)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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  (509): Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that. http://tfl.nu/jsxj
  Replies (10) Good night (5640) Bad night (1569)
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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  (807): he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants http://tfl.nu/ed98
  Replies (12) Good night (1762) Bad night (5687)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.

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  (856): 2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over. http://tfl.nu/sc8m
  Replies (8) Good night (3707) Bad night (1001)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.

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  (713): Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day. http://tfl.nu/o38r
  Replies (4) Good night (1977) Bad night (730)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(

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  (770): I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :( http://tfl.nu/8xfl
  Replies (4) Good night (516) Bad night (1087)
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  (714): View more from California

  It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.

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  (714): It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs. http://tfl.nu/jalq
  Replies (11) Good night (436) Bad night (1885)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted

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  (843): I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted http://tfl.nu/7fyh
  Replies (3) Good night (1119) Bad night (556)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.

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  (330): Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me. http://tfl.nu/bro7
  Replies (9) Good night (1062) Bad night (370)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.

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  (218): I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over. http://tfl.nu/5car
  Replies (4) Good night (1499) Bad night (310)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.

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  (425): THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES. http://tfl.nu/y1ns
  Replies (9) Good night (956) Bad night (643)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.

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  (440): all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers. http://tfl.nu/lyvi
  Replies (2) Good night (743) Bad night (213)

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