I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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