Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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