conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize