Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
