why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
