I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
