why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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