i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
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Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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