im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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