Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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