I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
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He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
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things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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