Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
