Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
