She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
