Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
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