Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
