im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
is that a dick in a sweater?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
