remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
