I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
