dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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