yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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