I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
