jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
