I am in a vortex of obligation.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
