We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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