If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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