1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
