he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
