I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize