There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
