I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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