they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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