They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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