does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
