You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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