Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize